Positively Parenting

By Dr. George Hadley

Dear DH: My wife and I are on opposite sides of the (telling the truth about Santa to our kids) fence. She loves the whole writing letters to Santa thing and the kids anticipating his Christmas Eve arrival. I, on-the-other-hand, think honesty is the best policy on Santa as well as the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. Whose side are you on?   Rob Holt, Indiana

I usually try not to take sides on arguments, but instead examine the issues and look for some common ground or compromise. Let’s start the examination with the question: What harm is there in playing along with the Santa myth with our children?

Santa Claus was a fun tradition as I remember growing up. It was fun, that is, until I found out the whole thing was a hoax made up by adults. I was mad, terribly hurt, and disappointed when at the age of 8 I found out my parents had been lying to me about there being a Santa. How could these perfect people in my life lie about something so important to me? It made me wonder what other things they were telling me that were not true. All of a sudden I saw them as less than perfect which was an even bigger shock than realizing I no longer needed to hang my socks above the hearth. And then there were all those needless years of trying to be good the weeks before the holiday so I wouldn’t get a switch or a lump of coal for my present. As you can see I’m still a bit ticked off about this.

I learned the truth about Santa from a friend at school who learned it from an older friend - the usual way the truth leaks out. I remember after the initial upset deciding to continue playing along. I milked it, as I remember, for at least another two years before fessing up. Not good reaching puberty still sitting on Santa's lap. What surprised me most about admitting the secret was out was how disappointed my parents seemed to be which brings up the second question: “Why would parents promote their children’s belief in Santa?”

I decided to query parents about this and they told me things like, “My children enjoy it so much. They love writing letters to Santa. They happily stand in line to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. They wait anxiously for Christmas Eve so they can put out cookies and milk hoping St. Nicholas will soon be there. Christmas morning is the one time my kids get to wake up much earlier than we would like and rush down to see what Santa left under the tree. It is all about their anticipation of his arrival.”

A few parents, however, who weren’t all that thrilled with the hoopla over Santa told me, “We go along with it because everyone else does. When my parents told me the truth and I spread the word among my friends, their folks didn’t speak to mine for a long time. I don’t like the idea that Santa basically allows my kids to ask for things they are pretty sure we wouldn’t buy them. Then their father and I feel obligated to get them. It all seems pretty commercial.”

Getting back to the question, beside enjoying their children’s excitement over the arrival of Santa, is there any other reason so many parents strongly support the myth? The answer, surprisingly, may be more psychological, more self-fulfilling than simply altruistic. Supposing most of us never wanted to give up the idea of there being a Santa Claus- someone that would bring us whatever we ask for as if by magic. Then the logical the way to keep that dream alive for us is by perpetuating it through our children. It is our last fling at keeping our own holiday childhood alive and well.

The reason I propose this possibility are these responses from parents. “I really get into Santa with my kids. It is like being a kid myself and feeling the excitement of Christmas and Santa all over again.” Or another who admitted, “Pretending there is a Santa with my child takes me back to a more innocent and fun-filled time in my life.”

I hope I’ve made my point that the fun of having Santa is for both adults (parents) and children. As one other parent confessed to me, “The spirit of the Christmas holiday would just not be the same without Santa Claus!”

Now back to Rob and his wife’s dilemma.

Hope what I have written has shed some light on this subject. Here is what my wife and I did years ago that worked very well. We were in somewhat the same positions as you and your wife, neither one of us willing to give in. So I proposed we stay with letting our children believe in Santa, just go along with it and enjoy their fun and excitement. However, when they got to an age where they questioned whether there really was a Santa Claus we would tell the truth saying, “Santa Claus isn’t a real person with a sleigh and reindeer who comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve to leave presents. That is something that people have made up - a magic person and story that we all love and enjoy.

For a little while each year, everyone of us can be Santa to others filling their world with the love of giving and receiving. That .... my little one... is the true Spirit of Santa. But we can go on pretending as long as we want. And who knows, on Christmas Eve, if we listen very carefully, we may just hear the tinkle of sleigh bells overhead and a voice in the winter still shouting out, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”

Wishing happy holidays and New Year to all my readers,

Dr. Hadley

Dr. George Hadley is a Child/Teen Development Specialist and Parent Counselor. He owns Life Skills Unlimited, based in San Diego, CA and offers parent counseling to individuals and couples. To request Dr. Hadley's free pamphlet “Ten Things Every Parent Needs To Know”,  email him at Dr.GeorgeHadley@yahoo.com. Check out what’s new at Life Skills Unlimited on  iknowitandishowit.com/education.