Positively Parenting

Summer is in full swing and most children are busy running through sprinklers, catching fireflies and hoping to hear the musical melody of the ice cream truck on a hot, muggy day.  Most won’t give going back to school a second thought until the bus rolls around the corner that first day of school.  But for some children, including but not limited to those with anxiety or adjustment disorders and/or school phobia, the looming anxiety builds all summer and makes each day a lot less fun.

As a teacher who has worked with numerous children with school-related anxiety, and the mother of a child with special health needs who struggled with adjusting to preschool, I know that there are many things we can do during the summer to help an anxious child relax and plan for a successful transition to the new school year.  These suggestions are for all students, not just those entering a new school.  Many children are very anxious returning to school, even one they have attended the previous year.  Fears about who will be in their class, will they have a friend at lunch or recess and all the other uncertainties can really weigh on a child’s mind.

1. Let Children Know It’s Normal and Okay To Be Afraid

It’s normal and okay for children to be afraid.  Everyone is from time to time.  When children are told that there is nothing to be afraid of, or that fear is silly, we actually make it worse. Help children understand that everyone experiences fear to one degree or another.  Help children accept their fearful feelings, with the understanding that the feelings will diminish as they replace the fearful thinking with new, positive ways to think.  Some of these are covered in the points below.

2. Visit The School and School Grounds Frequently

Take your child to the school throughout the summer.  Let your child walk around the school grounds, play on the playground; walk up to the front door.  Bring a ball and play kickball in the schoolyard.  Pack a basket and have a picnic lunch on a bench or under a shady tree.  In addition to de-sensitizing your child to “going to school” you are providing pleasant associations with the building and school yard.  When the first day rolls around your child will have “been there and done that” many times.

This strategy was very helpful with my child who experienced severe separation anxiety at preschool.  We visited his elementary school throughout the summer, doing the above-mentioned activities.  When the first day of school came and he ran out to the kindergarten bus, barely remembering to wave goodbye to me, I knew we were going to have a great year.  He’s now in upper elementary school.  He said visiting the school and playing there all summer helped him adjust to kindergarten more than anything else we did.

3. Meet with Teacher and Other School Personnel

In addition to visiting the school recreationally, you should schedule a meeting with your child’s teacher, principal and school counselor before school begins.  Most teachers are back at least a couple of days before school starts getting their classrooms ready.  With advance notice, they will most likely be happy to meet with you and your child.  Seeing the classroom, their desk, and getting some reassurance from the teacher often puts anxious minds at ease.

Even if the child isn’t in counseling for an anxiety-related disorder, if a school counselor is available at the school, s/he may be able to meet with you and your child to offer additional suggestions.  School systems fortunate enough to have counselors can often provide help to children in a small-group or one-on-one basis.

If the child is new to the building, introduce him/her to other staff members that will be a part of his/her school day, from the school secretary, cafeteria workers, custodian, librarian, etc.

4. Create a Soothing Space

If you are a parent, see if the teacher is willing to incorporate a relaxation area into the classroom.  You can also create a soothing space in your child’s room.  Furnish the area with soft pillows, a CD player with headphones, relaxation music, stuffed toys, soft modeling clay and paper and crayons for drawing.  You may need to accompany your child to the area at times when s/he is stressed or anxious and model some of the relaxing things to do.

If you are a teacher, consider creating a soothing space, or relaxation area in your classroom where all children can go to relax.  Children come to school with a lot of baggage.  Having a place where children can go to listen to relaxation music on headphones, hold stuffed animal or soft modeling clay, or drop a concern into a worry box can relieve stress, calm fears and anger, and meet children’s emotional needs.  A nice bonus is that when these needs are met, children have less need to act out.

5. Create a Soothing Space

If you are a teacher, consider creating a soothing space, or relaxation area in your classroom where all children can go to relax.  Children come to school with a lot of baggage.  Having a place where children can go to listen to relaxation music on headphones, hold stuffed animal or soft modeling clay, or drop a concern into a worry box can relieve stress, calm fears and anger, and meet children’s emotional needs.  A nice bonus is that when these needs are met children have lees need to act out.

If you are a parent, see if the teacher is willing to incorporate a relaxation area into the classroom.  You can also create a soothing space in your child’s room.  Furnish the area with soft pillows, a CD player with headphones, relaxation music, stuffed toys, soft modeling clay and paper and crayons for drawing.  You may need to accompany your child to the area at times when s/he is stressed or anxious and model some of the relaxing things to do.

6. Find a Friend

All children need friends in school, especially those with school anxiety.  While most children gravitate to a familiar face or make new friends quickly, fearful children or those lacking in social skills are often left on the sidelines, not sure how to navigate classroom routines and lunch and recess.  By planning ahead, teachers can give all children “First Day Friends” by pairing children for activities, especially lunch and recess.  Pairing children can go on indefinitely, even throughout the year for children if a child needs companionship or help joining in activities.  Parents can suggest that teachers offer their child a “First Day Friend” or lunch or recess buddy at their late summer meeting.

7. Visualization

Not just for athletes and entrepreneurs, helping children create a positive vision of school and seeing themselves enjoying school can be very helpful.  I heard a story about a woman who had entered a contest and had to present to a large audience.  She always visualized herself relaxed as she gave the speech, seeing the audience involved and enthusiastic with her message.  When the day came she gave her presentation and brought the audience to their feet with thunderous applause.  She later said that due to visualizing herself successful, so many times, making the presentation was easy because she felt like she had done it before.

Children can picture themselves waking up for school happy, making friends and feeling relaxed and comfortable in their classroom.

8. Affirmation

Similar to visualization, an affirmation is positive self talk that children can learn to use to replace negative thoughts with positive messages.   Affirmations can be used by children to help them in almost any situation:  fears of school, bullies, making friends, taking tests, dealing with peer pressure, coping with divorce, moving; the list is endless.  Have the child come up with a positive statement or two about the situation.  For example, “I am safe at school.  I am relaxed when I am in my classroom.   I can cope with anything that comes my way.”

Another benefit of positive affirmations is that they give children a sense of self control over their world.  They are relying on their words to calm them and guide them though the fear.  Children need to have coping strategies they can do on their own without adult interventions.  It builds their self esteem and makes them more self-reliant.

9. Look Back

Anxious children often focus on the thing or things they are currently afraid of, forgetting triumphs over other fears at other times.  For a child who is afraid of school, or anything else for that matter, make a list of fears that s/he has already overcome.  When a child sees that s/he has successfully dealt with other fears (riding a bike, petting a dog, sleeping in the dark, etc.) The child will see that this current fear will one day be on that list of triumphs.  Sometimes children forget how far they have come and what they have already accomplished.

10. Plan Ahead

Plan a special celebration of some sort (dinner at a favorite restaurant, pizza and movie night, going to the zoo) to celebrate your child’s adjustment to the new school year.  Classroom teachers can give a special award or prize to the child.  The important thing is that the child is planning ahead to the day when s/he is no longer fearful and is enjoying school.  You can say something like, “I know that you are going to be successful and happy at school.  When you feel that way we are going to celebrate with a special day at the zoo and we will add this to your list of triumphs.”

Knowing that a celebration is planned helps a child see that h/she will have positive experiences to look forward to and makes the fear seem less insurmountable.  By looking back and planning ahead children can see where they have been and also where they are going in their schoolyear.

Janis Gioia is a licensed elementary school teacher who has taught in public schools, private schools, and in a social services agency.  Janis has worked with at-risk children, and their families, and is the author of a book, The Wolf Pack Classroom Management Plan, which recently won the prestigious Ben Franklin Award for the best Education/Teaching book for 2010.  She has done graduate work in counseling, and her passion is helping children, and their families find solutions to social and emotional concerns.  Janis lives with her husband, children and dogs in Northeast Ohio.  She is also part of a therapy dog team, with her dog Melanie.