Positively Parenting

By Laurette Lynn

I have three children. They sometimes bicker. Sometimes they bicker a lot!

While I know this is relatively normal, I am not comfortable just ignoring it. The first thing I do is try to quiet everyone down. Then I talk to the kids and encourage each of them to explain things from their own perspective. This helps each of them see how the other is viewing the situation and I always point out the contrast, which helps illustrate the necessity of proper communication.

There’s more to it than this though. 

Part of our kids' learning experience is learning how to properly handle conflict.  If we simply ignore the conflict, they naturally figure that how they are currently handling it is okay. So if they are whacking each other silly, they figure that's okay because Mommy is ignoring it.  If however we flip-out when they bicker, then all we are doing is showing that it's acceptable to flip out. And that is just confusing.  Instead, when we actively get involved in the situation when conflict arises, we are making an effort to teach our children conflict resolution.

And most importantly, the art of self control. When kids have an emotional reaction (or over-reaction) to something (which is often what sparks the conflict in the first place), it's important to try to teach self-control. So how can we expect them to "control themselves" if we don't teach them that they are indeed in control of their own selves?

For example, yesterday my two sons entered into some sort of conflict. I will refer to the older as "D" and the younger as "B". I refereed, and while D was explaining his point of view he said "He makes me so mad!" So I tried to talk to him, and he was so upset that all he could do was interrupt me and say "No. He makes me so mad!" I decided he needed a few minutes to cool off.

Later, I spoke to him calmly and explained that nobody can 'make' him angry and that his being angry is completely and utterly up to him. I agreed that yes, sometimes his brother behaves in a manner that can be viewed as annoying, (that's how younger siblings are after all) but that how he reacts to that behavior is on D and solely on D. Self control = control over oneself. This means never blaming others for the way we feel because only we can decide how to feel.

Feelings are ours and ours alone. When we blame someone else for our feelings, then we give them control over our feelings, and if we do that, then what are we left with? No control. No control over anything, including events in our life.

Control is the ultimate liberation and freedom.

The idea is that B will do whatever he does. D can have his opinion about the behavior, acknowledge his opinion about it and then move on. He does not have to let it anger him. Only D can "make" D angry because only D has control over D's emotions. If D lets B control his emotions through his behavior, then he has effectively handed over all control to B and given him all the power.

Once it was worded in this way, D did not want to hand over that kind of power to his younger brother.

It is so important to me that my kids understand this concept early in their lives. It will save them from a lifetime of passing blame onto other people, situations and circumstances.

Our inability to take responsibility and our constant blaming of others is truly the culprit of so much of our feeling out-of-control and experiencing chaos, unbalance and misfortune. When we shift blame, we indeed hand over control. When we accept responsibility, we accept control. It truly is the most empowering concept.

I find it exceptionally important that my kids truly understand this because I want them to feel empowered by the realization that their entire life experience is up to them. We tell our children "The sky is the limit! You can do anything you set your mind to!" and then contradict it by allowing them to blame others for the way they feel, or for how things are in their lives.  These two concepts contradict one another because one is about control over our lives and the other allows the passing off of that control. 

To truly drive this home, parents must be living examples of taking responsibility. We shouldn't be heard constantly blaming some other person or event or circumstance for our experience. We should be seen taking responsibility, taking control and making our lives what we need them to be.

Be happy folks... have joy in your home, with your kids, and in your life. Let that joy resonate. Nobody can make you 'feel' anything without your permission!

Laurette Lynn lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma and is an Independent Educator of three kids. She is a motivational speaker, parenting coach and writer. Laurette specializes in Active Parenting and Independent Education. Learn more by visiting www.Laurettelynn.com.

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