Positively Parenting

By Danielle Sullivan

Moms are constantly bombarded with advice about mothering beginning in pregnancy. Often, there are those well-meaning people who give you their two cents on ways to diaper, feed, clothe, bathe, and bring up your baby. The advice can either be helpful or it can put undo pressure on already frazzled nerves, especially in those first few weeks. When this advice is coupled with pressure from television, in-laws, and celebrity moms, it’s enough to make a new mom run screaming for her pre-motherhood life. Below is a list of some common myths of motherhood. Disguised as truths, these false beliefs can eat at our self confidence and get in the way of enjoying our children and our lives.

Myth #1

Motherhood will completely fulfill all your desires and aspirations.

“Mothering cannot fulfill all of a woman's desires and aspirations, despite it perhaps, feeling so at first”, says Dr. Laurel Schwartz who leads groups for new mothers at the 92nd Street Y, Parenting Center. “Furthermore, to expect mothering to do so, places an unfair and heavy burden on one's child.” Honestly, making bottles, changing diapers, and doing laundry become monotonous hour after hour, day after day. You may have longed to become a mother but still get that occasional feeling of “Is that all there is?”

Women who were previously accustomed to going to an office everyday and having the conversation and company of adults may feel an urge to go back to work. There is no need to feel guilty over this- it is normal- and feeling this way in certain terms means that you love your baby any less or don’t treasure being there for each new coo or skill that your baby learns. “Forget about not feeling guilty about going to work. Women generally feel some guilt.  But perhaps more importantly than guilt, they often feel a real pull on their heartstrings, a real desire to care for their baby that is often in conflict with whatever other needs propel them back to work”, says Dr. Schwartz. “I believe what helps a woman to go back to work is knowing her baby is being well cared for during her absence--either by her spouse, or perhaps a babysitter, but someone she can trust and with whom she can effectively ‘co-parent’”. It is really okay to take a break from your baby to do something for yourself. It’s not being selfish- it is restoring yourself so when you go back home, you’ll be a better mother.

Myth #2

Your maternal instincts will come naturally as soon as you look down at that baby.

Although you have carried your baby for nine months, when you first hold your baby, you are meeting her for the first time. If this is your first baby, it may take time to feel like full fledged mom despite just going through pregnancy and labor, especially if this is your first experience caring for a new born. I know for myself it took some time for me as a first time mom to adjust to believing I was actually a mother. I remember walking down the hospital hall the next morning almost not fully believing I had a baby the previous night.  Dr. Schwartz says that bonding may depend on “a woman's comfort level with infants and if being with and caring for an infant a completely new experience for her.” According to Dr. Schwartz, how a woman feels physically after birth can have a lot to do with when bonding will occur, as well as how much support she has and how quickly she can mentally adjust to her new mother role. Becoming a mother is life changing experience and it is bound to be filled with difficult moments. While it may be overwhelming at first to try to figure out what every cry means, you will soon grow accustomed to understanding what your baby wants or needs. It may take some time-remember you two are both still getting used to one another. And don’t believe anyone who tells you that they instantly just knew everything their baby needed since birth because that just doesn’t happen!

Myth #3

If you don’t breastfeed, you will harm your child.

Yes, breastfeeding does have many positive effects, including long term health benefits, but many women do not breastfeed. Some women may try their hardest to have a positive breastfeeding experience and when it doesn’t work out, they feel like failure or think they have somehow already damaged their child’s well-being. JoAnn Gerling, a board certified Lactation Consultant who counsels women at the Breast Feeding Center of Manhattan at Beth Israel Hospital says that many times moms just need to get the right information regarding breastfeeding rather than listening to advice from well meaning people who may inadvertently give wrong information. “ Most women are capable of successful breastfeeding”, says Gerling. She says that many of the problems such as not latching on may be corrected by just repositioning the baby or waking a sleepy baby.  There are some women who have physical problems that require medication which prevents them from breastfeeding altogether. Gerling advises women to check with their doctor first who may be able to give the mother a medication that does not interfere with breastfeeding.

Others may be naturally shy and the thought of public breastfeeding is just too much for them to handle. Emily Robinson, from Soho encountered this issue and found a way to overcome it when she gave birth to her daughter two months ago. “ I strongly wanted my baby to have breast milk but didn’t like the idea of actually breastfeeding so I committed to expressing the milk with a pump into bottles and then bottle-feeding”. The upside of Emily’s solution is that her husband can also help with feedings. In any event if a mother chooses not to breastfeed, Gerling adds that that a mom “should never feel guilty. As mothers, we all do the best we can”.

Myth #4

Since you are now home with your baby, you will have time to do all those things you’ve been putting off.

Many women have visions of redecorating, cleaning out those closets, or finally placing all those photos into photo albums while on maternity leave. The truth is that in those early months, you may only have time for a shower and an occasional cup of coffee (on a good day!). Gina Iallonardo, a Brooklyn mother of three says to also remember that all babies are different. “Your first baby may have been a quiet baby while your next baby can be more of a crier. You may need to hold and soothe other babies more than others." By placing high expectations on yourself to be productive, you may set yourself up for a letdown. The most important thing in those early days is taking care of yourself so you can take care of your baby, which leads us to Myth #5.

Myth #5

You can do everything on your own.

Okay, you may have run an entire office before taking maternity leave but you will still need to enlist help in caring for this small baby. Babies may be up every one to 2 hours and you cannot live without any sleep. Have your husband, mother, sister, or friend help out. Iallonardo , mom to six month old Alexandra says that you must ask for help. “ I ask my husband to watch the baby, while I do laundry or he cooks while I feed her.” Don’t forget that older children can also be a blessing. Iallonardo often has her 17 year old son Michael help with the baby so she can enjoy a few minutes of peace in the shower or make a quick phone call. If you don’t have any other kids, have a neighborhood teenager run errands for you or walk your dog. Leave the dishes, laundry, or cleaning for your husband. And if anyone offers to help, let them!

Myth #6

Your child must hit every milestone right on target.

There are many moms who go into a frenzy when they listen to advice from others and hear that if their son or daughter doesn’t have a 200 word vocabulary by 18 months (not true), they will be doomed for life. Yes, of course there are definitive areas that a child should progress in development and behavior. These are areas that your pediatrician will look for on your well baby check-ups. If you feel that you child is not developing in some area, ask your pediatrician before panicking. He or she is trained to recognize what is normal and many children are late bloomers, which does not necessarily signify a problem. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics’ book, Caring for Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5, “Because each child develops at his own particular pace, it's impossible to tell exactly when yours will perfect a given skill. The developmental milestones will give you a general idea of the changes you can expect as your child gets older, but don't be alarmed if he takes a slightly different course”. The book also lists some signs of possible developmental delay, such as: not walking by 18 months, does not speak at least 15 words by 18 months, and does not use 2 word sentences by age two.

Myth #7

Once you become a mother, you will enjoy doing every child-oriented activity.

If you detested the The Wiggles in your pre-baby days, you may still loathe them today even though your child may love them. I absolutely hate taking my kids to the playground.  I have three kids, five years apart so to me it seems like I’ve been going there for much of my adult life. Honestly, I don’t go very often but I do expose my kids to activities that I like which aren’t necessarily geared toward kids. Take for example music. My son, as a toddler was hooked on Barney, Blue Clues, and Little People. We listened to the songs from these shows often. Yet there were times throughout the day when I knew that if I listen to anymore of “We just got a letter”, I would go ballistic, so I turned on my favorite - Dave Matthews. My son happily adjusted and began singing the words to the songs (he has been listening to them since before he was born). I was calmed down and enjoying my music and he has grown to love Dave Matthews just as much as I do (okay maybe not quite as much!). This is great for when you need an adult moment during the day and every mommy does.

There are so many pressures on mothers today and we don’t need to be the perfect mother to have happy, healthy kids. We just need to do our best to take care of our children and ourselves. Becoming a mother is one of the most precious experiences of a woman’s life and one that should be thoroughly enjoyed because like many say “Enjoy them while they’re young- the years go so fast”. And that sadly is no myth!