Positively Parenting

By Janis D. Gioia

For children with Asperger’s, Autism, Anxiety Disorders and Sensory Integration Dysfunction, the holiday season is pretty much like an extended version of the birthday party in The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday.  In this children’s book, by Stan and Jan Berenstain, Sister Bear becomes overwhelmed with everything about her birthday.There are too many guests, too many goodies, too many games (a pony and a merry-go-round), piles of presents, and too many decorations. Sister is overwhelmed, and she has a meltdown and cries before she can even blow out her candles.

The holiday festivities that other children take in stride can be stressful for special needs children. Like a runaway train from Halloween to Christmas, the holidays are filled with potential triggers for these children:  routines are disrupted, anticipation is high, there is an overload of lights, sounds, smells, and lots of visiting with friends and extended family unfamiliar to the child. Here are some suggestions on how to help your child and your family have a happier holiday.

Problem:  Anticipation

Children with Asperger’s, Anxiety and Sensory Integration issues cannot cope with anticipation. It really is “too much” for them and it causes anxiety overload which then leads to them falling apart before, during or after the big day.

Suggestions:

Keep the holidays as low-key as possible.  Try to treat Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, or your family’s special holiday as just another day, an important day, but not one that has too much frenzy associated with it.  With other children in the house, this is difficult, but try to reduce or limit conversations about the holiday to times when your child isn’t listening.  Have siblings help you keep your special needs child calm.  Explain to them, in age-appropriate ways, that their brother/sister has a hard time coping at the holidays and give them ways they can help reduce the stress and anticipation in the home.

Piles of unopened presents also cause lots of stress for children with Asperger’s and Autism Spectrum Disorders. They really can’t wait, and the internal anxiety leads to meltdowns, tantrums, and quite possibly presents being unwrapped at the wrong time.

Problem: Sensory Overload

The holidays bring with them a multitude of lights: twinkling, flashing, multi-colored; sounds: bells, whistles, carols; smells: pine trees, candles, cakes, pies, cookies, and other holiday foods; movement: rushing to open gifts, crowds at the mall; and too many people, whether friends or extended family, who are wearing unfamiliar perfumes, wanting hugs that your child is unwilling to give, and encouraging socializing that is out of your child’s comfort zone.

Suggestions:

Think back to past holidays and/or ask your child what parts of the season are stressful for him/her, then plan and modify accordingly. If the smell of a live pine is distressing get an artificial tree. Skip the candles. If lights are a problem see if your child does better with ones that don’t flash, or light your tree less, or when your child isn’t around. Decorate, but keep it tastefully simple. If your house looks like Snoopy’s dog house in A Charlie Brown Christmas, your child will probably be overwhelmed. Keep holiday music to a minimum or opt for some relaxing “spa-type” instrumental cd’s that have a calming effect. If you must take your child to the mall do it at a time that is 1) not crowded (skip Black Friday) and 2) at a time when your child is well-rested and not hungry.  Children with anxiety disorder can feel claustrophobic or agoraphobic with the crowds and commotion at the mall. This can lead to panic attacks and other physical ailments. Deal with unfamiliar smells by preparing your child in advance and allowing him/her to take a break in a different room, or outside (with supervision) if needed.

Problem: Too Many People/Too Much Socializing

Socializing is hard for children with Asperger’s, Autism, anxiety or sensory issues. Even children without these issues may not be thrilled with kisses from Aunt Maude, who they last saw when they were an infant, or getting tickled under the chin by Cousin Bob.

Suggestions:

Dealing with unfamiliar people is tricky, especially if you haven’t shared your child’s Asperger’s, Autism or other special need diagnoses. While some may be wonderfully understanding, others may be less caring. They may judge and criticize you, your child and your parenting. You will know who you can share information with and how much.

A good thing to do is prepare your child for the holiday in advance by letting him/her know what to expect.  Explain where you will be going or who will be attending a gathering at your house. Help them make plans for dealing with stressors. If your child doesn’t like to be touched s/he can offer an unfamiliar guest a “hug or a handshake.” Always provide a quiet place where your child can retreat when feeling over stimulated.  If possible, fill the space with items that comfort your child, a stress ball, a smooth pebble, or noise cancelling headphones. Let him/her know that the routine will be different, that they might feel a little bit off-kilter, but that’s okay. After a few hours everything will settle down and be back to normal. Use affirmations, positive self talk and other coping strategies to help them make it through the day.

Problem: Generalized Anxiety

The frantic pace and different situations of the holidays can leave children with generalized anxiety that is exhibited by meltdowns, defiant behavior, withdrawal, lack of appetite, and/or bodily complaints like upset stomachs, headaches, or symptoms of anxiety and panic.

Suggestions:

Use all the techniques you know to calm your child, relaxation breathing, visualization, guided imagery, comfort objects or sounds, positive self-talk, rehearsals of what is to be expected. A place of worship, on a holy day may be hot, crowded and the air filled with incense. For an anxious, agoraphobic or claustrophobic child, this is a recipe for disaster. Places you visit may be overflowing with guests and unfamiliar smells. Plan ahead, allow your child to sit or stand where s/he is comfortable and always provide an exit strategy. Let your child give you a signal if s/he needs to leave a place or situation, and then honor it. Anxious tweens and teens take comfort in their cell phones…they can excuse themselves to take a call, real or pretend, which gives them a way out.

Problem: Your Holiday Doesn’t Turn Out The Way You Wanted:

Unless you and your family are actors on a set, your holiday celebration is not likely to resemble a Folger’s coffee commercial. There will likely be spills, misunderstandings, meltdowns. You will likely have to do things you or someone else in your family doesn’t want to do, perhaps even with people you find it difficult to be with.  Like life, that is the holidays.

Suggestions:

Make your own holiday. Pick a day, any day during the season, and with your family’s help, create a simple plan to make a special day. Maybe you begin with your son’s favorite pancake breakfast, watch The Grinch with your daughter, and spend the evening making doughnuts. Let your special needs child, and all your children contribute ideas. This day is special, unique to your family, and has no one else’s agenda or expectations. It might be so much fun you make it a family tradition.

Problem: You Feel Overwhelmed with the Holidays and a Special Needs Child

Everyone seems to dread the frenzied pace of the holidays. There’s a reason why so many magazine articles and television news programs have stories on how to be less-stressed during the holidays. The holidays are enough to juggle on their own, and then you add in trying to meet the needs of your special needs child.

Suggestions:

Just because everyone else is frantically shopping, wrapping, decorating, card-writing, making wreaths, shuffling kids off to Christmas pageant rehearsals, doesn’t mean you have to. As a parent of a special needs child, your hands are already full. They are greatly affected by stress in the family, so do yourself and everyone a favor and slow down.

Plan your holiday activities around what are pleasant and joy-filled activities for your child and family. This may mean that instead of going to the jam-packed mall cinema to see the latest holiday movie, you instead go to the zoo and watch polar bears eat leftover turkey, since watching polar bears is something your autistic child could do for hours on end, any day of the year. If you know that a large gathering with too many people, smells and noise upsets your child, and gets you anxious about a looming meltdown, make a new plan. Perhaps you go early and stay a shorter time. Maybe you and your spouse take turns attending: one stays home and does activities that are relaxing to your child (a book and hot cocoa by the fire); the other attends with your other children.

This can be the year that your special needs child and your entire family enjoy, instead of dread, the holidays. There’s no need to feel, on January 2nd, that you survived again and have three hundred and some odd days to wait until next year. By planning ahead, making modifications, dropping societal and familial expectations, you can find joy in the simple wonder and beauty of this magical season.

Janis Gioia, a mother of two, is an elementary school teacher and the author of the Benjamin Franklin Award winning education book, The Wolf Pack Classroom Management Plan.  Janis is currently developing relaxation curriculums for children and parents. Janis, and her dog, Melanie, are part of a therapy dog team and visit schools and nursing homes.